Well, my mother will not be pleased, but I got my bangs trimmed again…. just in time for misty rain season!
I was walking in the rain the other day, enjoying the feeling of my new bangs curling into a poof on my forehead, and I sincerely wished I had one of those head thingies my grandmother used to wear when we had to walk from the car to the mall together.
As a child, I found it amusing that my grandmother would pull her giant boat-esque car into a parking space, turn off the ignition, take out her little round gold compact mirror from her purse, apply her pink lipstick, and finally produce from the glove compartment a clear plastic, water-resistant kerchief to tie under her chin. It was only then, once armed against any potential wind and rain, that we would make our way across the parking lot and into the shopping mall (where no one looked half as nice as my grandma).
Looking back, I can see that the plastic bonnet was a perfectly reasonable–nay even brilliant choice on her part. I mean, my grandmother had her hair set once a week by the same lady for decades… why the hell would she risk its demise to the treacherous elements of the parking lot?! Of course, my personal hair regime only consists of air-drying and running an iron over my fringe once or twice in the morning, but I am still extremely tempted to cover it in misty-rain-resistant plastic for my commute.
So tempted, in fact, that I found myself searching Amazon for this particular piece of headgear days after my latest haircut. Some part of me thought maybe plastic hoods are in now, maybe there is some hip version that the young people are wearing.
Of course, this is not the case.
I mean, let’s face it–the last time this model was young and hip was when she worked as Don Draper’s secretary in 1960.
Nevertheless, the strong urge to let mockery be damned and purchase a plastic bonnet stayed with me, and I got to thinking how seamlessly I would transition into being a 95 year old lady. Like if I played Gwyneth Paltrow’s role in that awful Shallow Hal movie, then the embodiment of my internal spirit would appear as a decrepit old hag nearing the end of her days.
Getting down to brass tacks, I decided to make a handy list of practical things that you too can purchase for the joy of being labelled as ‘old lady’ by our ageist and sexist society. I for one couldn’t live without a single item on this list! (Well, I mean, I could if I wanted to live in utter misery.)
1. Electric Heating Pad
My first purchase when I set foot in Oxford as a bright young thing was an electric heating pad with a UK plug. Like the very SECOND we were free to go out and ‘explore the city’, I was making a beeline to Boots to raid the shelves for this item. When I returned to London at the age of 25 on a romantic trip to visit B, I of course brought my my trusty heating pad along. B noticed that the company had given my heating pad the (appropriate) moniker of Dreamland… he quickly renamed my beauty The Granny Dreamweaver.
Whatever. He eventually married me. And has been known to borrow The Granny Dreamweaver from time to time.
2. Boiled Sweets
One time in NYC I found myself in a weekday matinee showing of a crummy movie about Jane Austen (Becoming Jane with Anne Hathaway – remember that?). Looking around, I quickly realised I was the youngest member of the audience by at least 50 years. As soon as the lights were dimmed, a surround-sound chorus of rustling wrappers broke out in the theatre. Without fear of judgement, I pulled a ziplock bag of Wherther’s Originals from my bag and gingerly set to unwrapping.
3. Shower Caps
I realise this is a similar issue to the plastic bonnet, but shower caps play a really vital role in my life and I feel deserve a place on this list.
Why am I the only person I know who uses these??? What, am I supposed to strenuously, needlessly, and unhealthily wash my thick tresses on a daily basis simply because it’s uncool to use a shower cap? No! No, I’m going to use a damn shower cap.
I think the sexiest thing about a shower cap, if I had to choose just one, is the tell-tale red line it leaves across your forehead post-shower.
Naturally, I obtain all my shower caps for free from hotels. Or as donations from friends who have stayed in hotels and somehow have no use for this item (thanks, Cel!). But you can click here if you feel inspired to fork out a pretty penny and buy one online.
It’s no secret that I would be content wading through a sea a feline bodies to get to my television at the end of the day. I think this GIF is what the Tesco driver assumes awaits him when he comes to deliver 15 boxes of cat food to our flat.
Guess what? A cat can be yours for free! Take a walk outside! Pick up your very own cat today!
5. General Intolerance of and Disdain for Humankind
This is a trait that usually needs to be earned by serving many many years on this earth… but I feel like I’ve spent enough time working in restaurants and social services and as a commuter to have a good base knowledge of the typical human landscape. And I have no patience for the humans anymore, none.
If you need some help with feeling bad, you can always pick up a copy of The Grapes of Wrath here or take a job at your local pub.
Well, that took a dark turn.
YOU’RE WELCOME. HAVE A GOOD WEEK. I HAVE TO GO AND APPLY FOR MORE JOBS. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Tonsure feels like an appropriate Weekes Word for this post! (I think it’s interesting when used to describe a regular old bald patch, not just in the monkish context.)
Tonsure: from the Latin ‘tonsus’ (the act of shearing) and meaning the shaven crown or patch worn by monks and other clerics OR a bald spot resembling a tonsure. EX: Being clear, the plastic bonnet did little to cover Jimmy’s glaring tonsure; his bald scalp, however, did manage to stay dry.
xWG // #dazeandweekes