I write to you today from the depths of hell, where I sit constantly refreshing the email on my phone in the vain hope that someone will invite me to interview for them. Here I sit, longing for the mere chance to humiliatingly stutter through a performance of lies and self promotion so that, with any luck, I can be chained to a different desk in another dark recess of London. Can I come and work for you?
I am an ideal employee, eager and equipped to perform any task with integrity, no matter how small. What’s that sound? It’s the sound of someone procuring a fax sheet from the folder above my desk. Please don’t come and ask me to send this fax for you. I am busy. Refreshing the email on my phone. In hell.
I have an excellent phone manner and field all incoming calls for my current team.
‘Hello, I wonder if you can help me?’
‘I seriously doubt it.’
I work for large and lively organisation and my role requires multitasking, excellent time management, and the ability to coordinate and triage priorities in a dynamic environment. I am really resourceful. There was a mouse in our corner hoarded rubbish pile the other day, and they asked me to deal with it. I named him Declan, bought him some flapjacks, and circulated an email introducing him to the team.
A big part of my job in my current role is to bolster team morale. The office can be a very stressful and tense environment for the people I support, and I try to use my role as administrator to diffuse as much of this tension as possible. Whilst my colleagues each have separate caseloads, I consider my caseload to be the team as a whole. Even though I want nothing to do with any of them.
Really, I would describe myself as a team player. I love big projects and working in groups. Ideally, my office would be a exact replica of my flat with no one in it.
I use Microsoft Office Suite and database platforms on a daily basis. Hang on a minute, someone is calling me over to their desk to ask me why they are unable to edit into a PDF document.
I always enthusiastically volunteer for projects and lend a helping hand. Hold on, someone is asking me to minute a meeting for them…
‘Hey, could you scan these docu–‘
‘I need you to arrange a cab for one of my clients.’
Speaking of arranging cabs, I have exceptional oral communication skills. For example, the cockney receptionist at the cab company used by my office cannot understand a word of my American accent.
‘Ello, Mayday Cabs!’
‘Hi, yes, I would like to book a cab, please.’
‘I would like to arrange a taxi, please.’
‘Whot? Whot do ya want?’
‘I would like to use your cab service to schedule for a car to pick someone up and take them to another destination.’
‘Whot’s that????!!?!!?!’ (aside to his coworker: ‘I cain’t understand a woord this gerl is sayin!’)
‘I NEED TO BOOK A CAB YOU IMBECILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
In summation, it would truly be a privilege for me to have the opportunity to combine my administrative skills and passion for work at your organisation. I would love the opportunity to come in and meet your doubtlessly insufferable staff. For now, I thank you for your time and consideration.