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The Cover Letter

Dear Sir/Madam,

I write to you today from the depths of hell, where I sit constantly refreshing the email on my phone in the vain hope that someone will invite me to interview for them. Here I sit, longing for the mere chance to humiliatingly stutter through a performance of lies and self promotion so that, with any luck, I can be chained to a different desk in another dark recess of London. Can I come and work for you?

april-ludgate-pageant

I am an ideal employee, eager and equipped to perform any task with integrity, no matter how small. What’s that sound? It’s the sound of someone procuring a fax sheet from the folder above my desk. Please don’t come and ask me to send this fax for you. I am busy. Refreshing the email on my phone. In hell.

aprilludgate-dothings

I have an excellent phone manner and field all incoming calls for my current team.

RINGGGGGGG!

Goddammit. 

‘Hello, I wonder if you can help me?’

‘I seriously doubt it.’

Click.

April Ludgate Phone

I work for large and lively organisation and my role requires multitasking, excellent time management, and the ability to coordinate and triage priorities in a dynamic environment. I am really resourceful. There was a mouse in our corner hoarded rubbish pile the other day, and they asked me to deal with it. I named him Declan, bought him some flapjacks, and circulated an email introducing him to the team.

April Award

A big part of my job in my current role is to bolster team morale. The office can be a very stressful and tense environment for the people I support, and I try to use my role as administrator to diffuse as much of this tension as possible. Whilst my colleagues each have separate caseloads, I consider my caseload to be the team as a whole. Even though I want nothing to do with any of them.

Talking-People-About-Things

Really, I would describe myself as a team player. I love big projects and working in groups. Ideally, my office would be a exact replica of my flat with no one in it.

April Far Far Away

I use Microsoft Office Suite and database platforms on a daily basis. Hang on a minute, someone is calling me over to their desk to ask me why they are unable to edit into a PDF document.

April Hate

I always enthusiastically volunteer for projects and lend a helping hand. Hold on, someone is asking me to minute a meeting for them…

April Pass

‘Hey, could you scan these docu–‘

April Tea Dunk

‘I need you to arrange a cab for one of my clients.’

April Scissors

Speaking of arranging cabs, I have exceptional oral communication skills. For example, the cockney receptionist at the cab company used by my office cannot understand a word of my American accent.

‘Ello, Mayday Cabs!’

‘Hi, yes, I would like to book a cab, please.’

‘A whot?’

‘I would like to arrange a taxi, please.’

‘Whot? Whot do ya want?’

‘I would like to use your cab service to schedule for a car to pick someone up and take them to another destination.’

‘Whot’s that????!!?!!?!’ (aside to his coworker: ‘I cain’t understand a woord this gerl is sayin!’)

‘I NEED TO BOOK A CAB YOU IMBECILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

April Help

In summation, it would truly be a privilege for me to have the opportunity to combine my administrative skills and passion for work at your organisation. I would love the opportunity to come in and meet your doubtlessly insufferable staff. For now, I thank you for your time and consideration.

Warm regards,

xWG

April Ludgate Pig

8 thoughts on “The Cover Letter Leave a comment

  1. I was giggling so much at this piece that I am pretty certain my coworkers are going to cosign me to the loony bin! I absolutely LOVE this post!

    Keep your chin up as your trudge through the hell of job searching. Hopefully, you will find a job soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha the loony bin is certainly where you will find me this afternoon! Thank you – I will try not to lose hope. If I achieve nothing else today, at least I know I made one person laugh! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. HahahaHAAAAA! YES! I double-dare you to send it… Best way I can think of to alleviate the hellish tedium of the job search. I hope someone has​ the common decency to offer you a non-hateful employment opportunity soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am almost to the point where I will send it!!! My friend told me the last personal statement I wrote for an application wavered in tone between a grandiose speech to the Roman senate and like I was going to jump off a bridge if they didn’t give me the job hahaha – who wouldn’t hire me?!

      Like

      • Ha! Oh no! But I thought that’s absolutely what employers were looking for… A dark centre of desperation in a crisp sugar shell of overconfidence! Now I’m going to have to rethink my own job-searching strategy…

        Like

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