Alright guys–I took a bullet and watched Netflix’s A Christmas Prince so you don’t have to.
I’d normally write something like *SPOILER ALERT* here, but if you’ve seen any Hallmark Christmas or Lifetime Original film (and I’m assuming you have because you’re only human), you already know the plot. (And if you were with me for my Christmas Crafting post last year, you already know about my proclivity for these excellent films.)
First, let me go back to Friday night. Friday night was the night of my office Christmas dinner. That dreaded event that I am unable to get out of each year because I am actually in charge of arranging it. Well, as it was on a Friday this year, I really let loose and allowed my ‘party personality’ (that I inherited from my mother) to shine. That is to say that I drank two bottles of wine and possibly tried to download Pocket Bible on several of my uninterested colleagues’ phones. And danced. Probably a lot like Elaine.
Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling my best on Saturday morning.
But – ho! – from its heavenly bower, Netflix bestowed upon me the perfect hangover remedy: a cheesy Christmas movie.
‘Mind if I put on—-‘
‘I AM WATCHING A CHRISTMAS PRINCE!!!!!’
If you’ve ever seen one of these films, you know that they are always about a white, blonde woman who has a high-powered job in Manhattan. Blondie is always either stuck up and snobby or a sweet and quirky goofball. Blondie is either pathetically single or has a clearly selfish dickhead boyfriend. And one of Blondie’s parents is always dead. Always. (They usually kill off the mother and leave behind a folksy dad who gives corny fatherly advice.)
Sure enough, A Christmas Prince is about a blonde woman named Amber who works as a journalist in a (weirdly quiet) Manhattan newsroom. Sweet, clumsy Amber is out of place in the cutthroat world of Manhattan reporting, but she is following her dream (#dreams #blessed). Amber’s dad works in a humble hotdog diner in Brooklyn (pictured above). Amber’s mother is dead.
Usually in these movies Blondie’s boss sends her off to some snowy Stars Hollow-esque town in Connecticut right before Christmas to learn a lesson and meet a small town man who has been previously heartbroken (so he has trust issues) but is still really nice, kind, giving, into Christmas, and has good values and some muscles. I learned from watching Christmas Inheritance recently (okay, it was pretty much right after I watched A Christmas Prince) that being sexually appealing is no longer a prerequisite for the mansplaining love interest, as they managed to cast an actor who looks like he should be playing a murderer.
But in a WILD twist, for A Christmas Prince, Amber’s boss shakes things up by sending her to the foreign country of….Aldovia…. on 18 December to report on a playboy Prince Richard who is meant to succeed to the Aldovian throne on Christmas day, for whatever reason (no reason, there is no reason for this convention).
Now let me tell you a little about Aldovia. It appears to be located in the same place as Disney’s Frozen, but instead of being filled with English-speaking and singing Americans, Aldovia is populated with English-speaking and Christmas-carol-singing British people. It’s really snowy and there’s a castle and a lot of woods and sort of a town place. I can also see from an internet search that many people have asked Google if this is a real place.
Aldovia is currently interregnum (King Richard having died the previous year leaving the throne open to the playboy prince, also named Richard). All that is a bit complicated (like WAY too complicated for this type of movie) so I won’t go into too much detail (crikey, I’ve already written 500 words and you’re probably thinking, ‘Why am I still reading this synopsis of a clearly terrible movie?’), but basically, … actually, no, I can’t explain to you any more about the abdication and stuff, it’s just too tedious and more complex than actual history.
Suffice it to say that there are a whole bunch of arbitrary rules in Aldovia, and Prince Richard might not agree to be king when the time comes and Aldovia can IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM be ruled by a woman, so Amber needs to be there to report on the potential royal scandal. Obviously.
So Amber gets to Aldovia, and through a madcap misunderstanding, manages to procure herself a bedroom at the royal palace under the guise of being little Princess Emily’s tutor.
Princess Emily is kind of like Colin Craven and has spina bifita (lil heavy, guys!) and a classic dislike of governesses. But she gets over her dislike of Amber quickly (like, super fast, like in a day) and they become really tight and Amber familiarly calls her ‘Em’ etc.
Oh my goodness, this post is getting out of hand! I’d better pick up the pace! I really miscalculated how involved this classic film really is!
Let’s see… so Amber and Prince Richard fall in love, of course (after 3 days) yada yada yada. On day 4, Amber discovers that Prince Richard is actually adopted (which is really bad and means he can’t be king), and she toys with telling him the truth–both of his parentage and her LIES. But naturally when Amber is about to confess, Prince Richard stops her mouth with a kiss. Don’t worry–he will forget that he has literally shut her up with his own mouth later when he’s angry with her for not telling him.
Prince Richard finds out about Amber’s deception right after he’s told her she’s the only honest and real person he has ever met (this happens in ALL of these movies–ALL OF THEM–even the murderer from Christmas Inheritance said it, as pictured below).
Anyway, getting back to A Christmas Prince, Amber is dressed like Cinderella and enjoying the Christmas Eve Ball when the two dark-haired baddies who stand to inherit the throne drop the adoption news bomb on the good people of Aldovia. They only know about the adoption because Amber left the papers carelessly strewn all over her bed… right alongside her passport that indicates she’s not who she says she is.
Amber is cast out of the kingdom.
But before she boards her plane back to NYC, she has an epiphany about this acorn ornament (don’t ask–it’s another really long explanation) and rushes back to the palace. She opens up the acorn, and sure enough, there is a document in there with a new law on it that states that even though Prince Richard is not truly of the bloodline, he can still inherit the throne. Collective sigh of relief because the whole world would be screwed if this mighty and influential kingdom of Aldovia was in the hands of those two brunette posh people.
At this point, B goes, ‘Surely this movie is going to end with Princess Emily (who is not adopted) inheriting the throne!?’
No no, honey. You don’t understand. These films are the cornerstone that upholds the patriarchy.
So Prince Richard becomes King Richard II (I guess they didn’t bother to see if this name would have any negative connotations) and Amber goes back to NYC since Richard is still petulantly mad at her.
Back in New York, Amber quits her job to write a blog about how King Richard is actually really nice and not a playboy. Hold up–is this an option–just quit your job and blog?!?!!?!?!? Of course, like my blog, Amber’s blog gets a gazillion hits, and that enables her financial stability to live basically unemployed in NYC. Fortunately, King Richard checks out Amber’s blog ‘online’, and it spurs him to fly to NYC and propose to her. He kneels in the snow and asks her to marry him and she says yes and…. WHY THE F*CK AM I CRYING?!? THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!
…All this has been leading up to my announcement to you guys that starting in 2018, I will be blogging exclusively about King Richard II of Aldovia. I hope you understand my decision to do this and will continue to support my blog which will now mostly be things like sequential pictures of King Richard having snowball fights with orphans. I will try not to forget y’all when I get really big, but I can’t make any promises.
Your reward for making it this far down in the post is me (sober and beautiful, like Amber) on the tube coming home from Friday’s Christmas party:
Who wants to be my Christmas prince?!