[I would have named this post something else, but I was scared that it would get picked up and disseminated to nefarious Rated R websites by some sketchy algorithm…. like the time I used #dirtyfeet in an Instagram post and B found himself in the middle of a foot-fetish feeding frenzy.]
About 85% of me believes that unicorns are real.
I’ve always been pretty obsessed with them. I mean, firstly, everyone knows that The Last Unicorn is the best film ever made. You’ve never seen it?!!?!?! Get thee to a closed down Blockbuster Video immediately and rent this cinematic masterpiece!!! It’s got everything, from voluptuous trees to amazing songs by America.
Plus, it’s pretty dark and sad and most importantly, about a beautiful unicorn. (And stars Alan Arkin, Jeff Bridges, Mia Farrow, Angela Lansbury, and Christopher Lee…. not too shabby!)
When I was littl(er), I saved up all my pocket money to purchase a fabulous book of photography called Unicorns I Have Known. In this book, Robert Vavra features dozens of gorgeous photos of unicorns in different environments from all over the world. Like the Victorians in my momento mori post, I naturally viewed these photographs as factual evidence of the existence of unicorns.
My realist big brother was perpetually making fun of me during my childhood, bursting my fantasy bubbles left and right. So, when I bought this unicorn textbook, I thought Aha! I’ve got him!
I’ll never forgot triumphantly showing him the pictures and being like, ‘Seeeeeee!!!!! They are real!!!!!’
To which my brother replied, ‘Those are horses with ice cream cones glued to their heads.’
Interesting theory, brother…. aka DREAM-CRUSHER!!!!!
It was sort of a loss of innocence moment for me… but actually, mehhhhh I didn’t totally stop believing. I don’t think anyone has ever described me as ‘pragmatic’, so why should I bother living in a boring world where unicorns and fairies and the Loch Ness Monster don’t exist? Why not just believe in something that is interesting and magical?
Anyway, I thought since Unicorns I Have Known managed to make it all the way over to England with me, I ought to take another look at the book (for the first time in probably 25 years).
So, in the back of the book, Vavra has written all these ‘field notes’ about his experiences of finding unicorns and photographing them (he’s clearly #blessed, as he seems to have seen more unicorns than any other person ever [all other people having actually seen zero unicorns]).
But I don’t think I ever really read these field notes!!!! Y’all: there is like A LOT of information on the mating habits of unicorns, and it is sorta a bit perverted. I mean, or I guess just like weirdly detailed? But not weird if unicorns are real? Which I think they are? I mean, they must be? Like how could this guy make this stuff up?
For example, did you know that when unicorns are turned on, their horns secrete a honey that their partners enjoy licking off?Mmmmmmmm. But wait–wait that’s not all! Apparently, ‘horn rubbing stimulates additional honey flow’ as pictured below:
And hang on, wait, what’s this about ‘horn tips’?!?!
Hold the phone, Vavra!
But I think there’s a saying about ‘not believing everything you read in books’, so I thought we’d better also look at some facts from a more reliable source: the internet/Wikipedia.
Pffftt well, red flag right away, it looks like Wikipedia staunchly qualifies unicorns as ‘legendary’ creatures and makes no mention of their mating habits. They are clearly trying to stifle evidence (like ‘the government’ did in that documentary about the mermaids, The Body Found, that I 100% believed and text Sonia afterward being like, ‘How is this not all over the news?!?!?!? THE MERMAIDS ARE REAL!!!!’), and they don’t seem to have referenced Unicorns I Have Known or The Last Unicorn at all.
I can’t really credit such a closed-minded denial of possibility–especially since they admit that unicorns are mentioned by Aristotle, The Bible, and Shakespeare.
I dunno… what do you guys think? I’m pretty convinced by Vavra’s sound evidence, a perusal of my childhood memorabilia, and the backing of heavy hitters like Aristotle–but I guess it’s only right that we determine the unicorn fate (keeping in mind the #facts I have provided and that Wikipedia is a notorious source of bollocks) the WordPress way, in a poll.
Been awhile since a Weekes Word, eh? I ran across this one in some Elizabethan stage directions. It’s sort of been replaced by ‘fanfare’ these days, but I am partial this little word! And according to our fave Wikipedia, it’s also what you call those little songs that the organ plays at baseball games.
Tucket: 16th century from the obsolete ‘tuck’ (to beat a drum) and meaning fanfare or flourish on a trumpet. EX: With a tucket, Weekes rode into the town on the back of a resplendent unicorn; the villagers cried in adoration and laid flowers at her feet.
I should be back next week (sorry for leaving you hanging last week!) with another webisode, so be sure to tune in and tune out! Errrrr wait, maybe just tune in!