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Dear Diary

Ohhhhhhhh noooooooo!!!!! Here comes one of those posts where instead of offeringΒ  you some herstory or telling you a funny story, I just give you a rambling and unsolicited update on my life like a 14-year-old girl talking to her diary!

Sorrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy!

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‘Dear Diary….’

I’m feeling like, as this month of April looms ahead, I need to pause and assess things re future hopes and dreams, career, and mental and physical health as related to potential achievements (ie it’s leaf turning over time, yet again!). I feel unfocused with all the traveling and the water crisis I didn’t tell y’all about (the trauma is too fresh) and being behind with writing and music and the course ending and trying to balance things… BLUGH! So, lemme just talk stuff out a bit, okay?!

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So, my Shakespeare course has come to an end. But it was good! Really, it was just what I needed to build a little confidence and remember how much I adore performing. It felt soooooooooooo wonderful to be up in front of people doing what I love best. Plus, I like… socialised a bit and met some interesting people! Which is a big step for me. AND I have a spin-off performance in the books with some of the women from the class, so already things are looking up!

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Additionally, I mysteriously got some backpay for holiday leave I didn’t take last year (I think they made a mistake shhhhhhh), so I was able to sign up for another class! Sadly, it’s not Shakespeare, but it’ll be good for me to go outside my comfort zone and deal with some contemporary texts. So that starts up again at the end of this month.

I hope you’ve been enjoying/not hating the monologue Weekes Webisodes. Like all things I try to do to serve the internet, interest has tapered off rapidly to basically nothing. But! That’s okay. I enjoy them, so I will keep filming when I can.

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Working the ‘day job’ 4 days a week instead of 5 has made a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge mental health difference. I no longer feel that irrepressible desperation and depression on a Sunday night, knowing that 5 barren days of hell stretch out before you before you can be you again. That said, the financial burden has definitely increased. Well, or I’m just feeling like there are so many things I need to pay for to make something happen and I can’t. Pay for them. Or make them happen. But this isn’t really due to working ‘less’–it’s more that starting up a new venture in general requires some cash.

Ugh, I never thought I’d say I miss waitressing in the U.S. but… I do miss being able to save some money and buy things I need! This is definitely slowing my progress down somewhat. Waiting to take new headshots…waiting to join the casting website…can’t audition or really network online before these things are in the bag! Still, confidence and meeting some other London-based actors is more important at this stage.

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Maybe if I mix this and this I grow a…. money tree?

Health-wise, I need to ramp it up again January 2017 style. I’m sorta an all or nothing kind of gal. Like, when I decided to become a vegetarian 8 years ago, I completely gave up all meat cold turkey (eerrrrr cold tofu??) instead of gradually letting go of bits and pieces. I need to do this with wine for a few weeks because I am soooooo bad at being like, ‘Ohhhh I’ll just have a lil bit!’ No. No, Weekes. You will obviously have a lotta bit. So you are not allowed any bit because you are incapable of moderation!!! Although I’ve been good about not drinking during the work-week so far in 2018 (barring holidazzzzzze), it’s still not good enough for what I want to achieve. Plus, I’ve been compensating by lazily alternating between pizza with burger sauce and mac & cheese every damn day. Pull yourself together and make a salad, woman!!!!! And plus x2, I also have not been to the gym for a run in like….. 2 months. This is mostly due to first a pulled muscle in my calf that I kept re-pulling in class…. and then one of my perpetual colds flaring up as soon as it caught wind that my muscle might have healed and be capable of exercise again.

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Then there’s music… which has been on the back-burner to give people (me) a little break. I just felt so disheartened after I put the album out there that I couldn’t really bring myself to keep attempting to ‘promote’ it after the fact. But I have been working on a new song in fits and starts that I’ll maybe share soon. And I’ve been sharing monthly updates with the good folks that are subjected to the Weekes mailing list. The other night, I passed a pub on my street that was advertising for an open mic night, but I’m not sure I have the courage to enquire about that…

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As usual, there are kind of too many options pulling focus from each other. Even as I type these words, I’m thinking…. can I really resist having a glass (10) of wine tonight that would enable me to put off all of the options? I dunno. An enormous part of me just wants to move in to Grey Gardens with Little Edie and the cats and knit useless hats for myself and reminisce about how I could have been a star.

 

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Ahhh, the life!

But no…… no….. I shall resist Bellatrix Ledepression’s threatening grip.

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And do what Hermione would do….. keep fighting the good fight!

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Ugh Hermione Granger is such an adorable badass, and pulling probably-copyrighted-images of her off of Google has lifted my spirits immeasurably. I think that, overall, things seem to be improving and sort of moving towards something good. Managing to do at least one creative thing per day (even if it’s not working towards an ultimate goal) is an achievement that I should acknowledge. I believe I will feel more organised again as soon as the next course starts up and I get in a flow. I’m feeling tentatively optimistic. Sorta maybe.

How about y’all? How are your years going so far? Any clever methods for fighting off your Bellatrix demons and staying motivated? I feel like I’ve worked some things out just now, talking about them here and subjecting you to my diary. Thank you for listening.

xWG

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Awwww hey, Crookshanks!

25 thoughts on “Dear Diary Leave a comment

  1. Love. So excited about your Shakespeare class — have been enjoying the results (the monologues, if that wasn’t clear) — and anxious to hear about the next! It makes me itching to find that place again, but alas, I don’t feel that’s in the cards for quite some time.
    Glad you’ve been able to reduce the primary weekly stressor by 20% — I think that’s a good thing. Do your best with exercise. Perhaps the gym isn’t right? Go on long London walks instead, with determination. Bring a book to give yourself a fifteen minute break 30 min. in, and then head on back. Or find a walking London history podcast — I’m sure there’s such a thing!
    Love hearing about all you’re doing. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awwww thank you, Scotty. I do hope you find yourself back on stage at some point, but for now it sounds like you’ll have your hands quite full for some years ;)!!!! I actually really enjoy/prefer quick runs on the treadmill… just need to get back into the groove. I do try to keep up my 10K steps per day around London regardless! Thanks for keeping up – love you too ❀

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  2. Love this diary one. Hang in there! A change of seasons is always an unsettling time. But soon you will burst forth from that cocoon and fly away to new life and a new class! Make those yummy salads again and take a one a day vitamin! If I can give up the wine, you can. Great while drinking it but it drags you down later and has no lasting effect except that nothing gets done and all you want to do is have another glass. Love you.

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    • So true about the wine. Thanks for the encouragement…. I’m feeling ready to seize the day and have already had many yummy salads over the weekend! Now I just gotta make it to tomorrow when I’ll have the whole day to get down to business (after the cleaning, of course). Love you too, Mom xxxx

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  3. Ah, the nosey parker in me loves a good diary post! And from where I’m sitting, there’s loads of good stuff in here. You did an acting class and enjoyed it, and met some like-minded folks… Then you got free money which meant you could book another one! You recorded and released a whole freakin’ album BY YOURSELF! Plus you convinced the Poowichians to loosen their grasp on your week… It’s been quite a year already, and it’s only April! Being sick and having no water supply is sucky, and I’m not surprised you’re questioning your progress… Death flu laid me low in February too and had me wondering what on earth I’m doing with my life. But spring is just around the corner (any day now, I’m sure πŸ˜†) and those brighter days will at least make salad and exercise more appealing! I’d also like to give you a nudge in the general direction of that open mic night… You can totally do it! Actually, Boyfriend (notorious music snob) heard “Softly Softly” on one of my playlists the other day and thought I’d discovered a Bandcamp gem that he’d missed! Keep doing what you’re doing, Weekes… You’re awesome! πŸ˜€
    (And this is a reeeeally long rambly comment. Sorry ’bout that.)

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    • Not a rambly comment! A very much appreciated and hope-giving comment! You’re right; I think it’s mostly good and heading in the right direction. I guess it’s hard, though, to avoid a creeping sense of desperation as you get older and the time to ‘figure things out’ doesn’t seem as boundless as it once did. But maybe the striving for betterment and purpose is a lifetime struggle that never really goes away or gets figured out. HOLY COW do we need spring!!!!! This year has had me reassessing my lifelong weather preferences and considering praying to some sort of sun god make it stop. Awwwww that makes me feel so good that a notorious music snob isn’t horrified by my jam! (I’m a bit horrified I just referred to it as a jam, forget that.) They are the most embarrassing to please… I’m glad he found me palatable. And same to you, lady – keep doing what you are doing because YOU are awesome! Thank you! πŸ™‚

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      • Yay! If nothing else, we have at least confirmed that we both have one fan each! Thank you! πŸ˜€ And I agree that you probably never get out of the way of thinking “I should be doing more, and being better at it”… But when you think about the alternative, which is plodding along doing the same things you were doing in your twenties FOREVER, it’s probably no bad thing. It was actually a huge relief when I left my twenties behind! It felt like the oh-so-helpful “you know what you should do”s slackened off a bit! πŸ˜†
        As for the weather – YES! Up until now, I’ve been the kind of person who claims to love winter, prefers the cold, all that stuff. But this is ridiculous! I need daylight!! So, how do we go about contacting that sun god you were talking about? πŸ€”

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      • Yes, plodding along is no good… no good! Can’t bear it! (Though it would possibly be easier than this bizarre enormous amount of nebulous pressure I am always putting on myself to DO SOMETHING haha). Ugh, maybe the sun god is amenable to some kind of dance? Like the opposite of a rain dance? Speaking of rain, I love how my phone professed 5% chance of rain today as I was standing out at a bus stop in 100% rain. I guess I’ll get another few months of wear out of CATS hoodie for the season! 😦

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      • Hey look, those clouds have a silver lining after all! More CATS hoodie is surely a good thing… And I suppose this is realistically better weather for knitting, too. But those lying weather apps need to pull their socks up! Mine misled me the other day as well! πŸ˜›

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      • Haha I’m not sure that B would agree with you about the CATS hoodie! But you’re right…. I’m sure that soon enough I will be cursing the gross, hot, disgusting sun that I actually hate. I’m alllll about the knitting-friendly rain if I don’t have to commute!

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  4. Wow, so much rambling, so much insight into the Weekes’ mind! Where to begin? First off, I believe me when I say I know all to well how frustrating it is to release something into the world and have it fall flat on its face. Still, what you released is TEE-rrific and a mega bold move that many people wouldn’t ever have the guts to do. As for the class and work, YAY! Glad the new schedule is working out (okay maybe not financially, but mentally) and the class was a creative/inspiring success. And very cool to read that you’re networking with those London acting types since it seems early networking in creative work is a strong key to future success (which is probably why I still suck, since I cower in the face of networking). As for the wine, oh don’t I know that one. All I can say, is set some rules and then try to stick to them (as I type this with a minor hangover…haha!!).

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    • Awwww thank you, Tammie. Yeah, I guess it’s important to appreciate what creating something has done for you personally vs worrying about a lack of response (though kind of hard to keep that value in mind when you are trying to forge a career!). Flat-falls aside, I am glad that we both persevere because I think we have a lot of offer! God I hear ya – boy do I cower from networking. Fortunately, this lady in the class did the networking for me when she dragged me aside one evening and suggested working together. Couldn’t say no to that! It is definitely a key to keeping things going and not just creating in a vacuum. I really really wish I could construct something like your writing schedule to monitor my progress; the promises and deadlines in my bullet journal are holding less and less sway. But I’m proud to say that I’ve only had wine one night since I wrote this post so that’s… progress? Over 5 long days? Has it only been 5 days?! Lord help us….

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      • Five days with no wine!? The horror! It is true that the one good thing abut writing is you can definitely track your progress and it’s easy to break the work down into bits and pieces (and there’s no denying it when you haven’t met your goals for the day). Not sure how you’d set that up for acting/music unless you swore to dedicate X number of hours a week to improving/seeking opportunities/writing new songs. Now, i need to go find someone who will force me into networking with them…Aidan Turner would do. :))

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      • Yeah exactly… I tried to do something like that when I was living in New York–like ‘I will spend x hours on research and audition, y hours on practicing, z hours on networking (haha!)’… but it wasn’t very easy to stick to since the results were not at all tangible (like, I couldn’t SEE that I had produced a certain number of words or whatever, like you say). But perhaps I need a redux of something like that with more self discipline…. and less time allocated cleaning the damn house, which is in a constant state of atrophy from men (well, a man) and cats!!!

        Ohhhhhhh Aidan can feel free to network with me any day! I’d network with him realllllll good!

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      • Hey! No networking with my Aidan! Ugh, I feel you about the man-cat never-ending cleanup loop. I think the house remained clean for about ten whole minutes once before one of the offenders traipsed in. Yeah, setting a tangible goal for your work would be tough but I’m sure you’ll figure something out. You know, like, “I will network with Aidan Turner for ten minutes, no make that an hour, um…wait, where’d the day go?” πŸ™ƒ

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      • Hahaha have you informed Aidan that you are coming to his island? I can, um, let him know if you want, next time I see him! 10 minutes is a notable run… I bet Aidan doesn’t leave a path of destruction and detritus in his wake. Sigh.

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      • Is it hunting season in Ireland in May? Coz I’m gonna be hunting some Aidan! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Of course if you just send him a message, I could save some hunting time and use it for “networking.” (Lordie, that word sounds dirtier and dirtier every time I use it)

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  5. Glad to hear that things are on a clear upswing! It’s great that you made some new drama pals, and have another class lined up. And, I’m glad to know that shortening the workweek has made a huge difference; it’s amazing what less stress does for the mind (yay!). I also empathize with the less money woes. I’ll sometimes justify some extra expenses, though, for the sake of quality of life/having dreams, and I find those gestures of paying into the future (even the littlest) help to keep the hope and motivation going. And, I’m such a fan of your album – it’s really beautiful music and melodic/vocal wowness! I love that you’re honoring + growing your (very obvious!) musical talents and sharing them with the world. When you’re ready, I think the open mic would be a great next step. When I did my first (poetry) open mic, roping in a friend to read & practice in advance with helped to calm the jitters. πŸ™‚ Looking forward to your new track!

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    • Thank you so much, Shirley. It’s always inspiring to hear from you πŸ™‚ It means so much to me that you enjoy the album and even gave it the time of day! I think you’re right about ‘paying into the future’. Life is too short not to, really, and we all need things that keep us going and give us hope. Any time I’ve tried to accept things as they are and pretend like I don’t have dreams, I’ve been super unhappy. Anyway, I’m off now to read about that irresistible, sleepy blue deer that I saw on Instagram!

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  6. Totally with you on the whole post-album-release despair thing – I’ve been cycling through it for about a decade at this point. Spend days/weeks/years agonizing over recording album —> get pumped to finally share with world —> release into black hole —> sit back in chair and frown deeply —> repeat. If you figure out how to break the cycle, please let me know.

    On a more positive note, I too was recently successful in negotiating a four-day workweek, and I agree, it’s a gamechanger. One less day spent calcifying in a cube is unquestionably a net positive.

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    • UUUuuughghghghgh it is the worst! I am so sick of the black hole. Especially since a lot of people from our high school networks seem to be really well supported in their ‘art’ by our peers. I tried to act positive and confident leading up to putting the music out there, but afterward, it was just total deflation and renewed embarrassment. It’s also hard when you’re not sharing that disappointment with bandmates and it’s just YOU. Oh well, I guess we must persevere? For some reason? Well done on the four day week! Now we’d better make the most of that extra day.

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