Ohhhhhhhh noooooooo!!!!! Here comes one of those posts where instead of offering you some herstory or telling you a funny story, I just give you a rambling and unsolicited update on my life like a 14-year-old girl talking to her diary!
I’m feeling like, as this month of April looms ahead, I need to pause and assess things re future hopes and dreams, career, and mental and physical health as related to potential achievements (ie it’s leaf turning over time, yet again!). I feel unfocused with all the traveling and the water crisis I didn’t tell y’all about (the trauma is too fresh) and being behind with writing and music and the course ending and trying to balance things… BLUGH! So, lemme just talk stuff out a bit, okay?!
So, my Shakespeare course has come to an end. But it was good! Really, it was just what I needed to build a little confidence and remember how much I adore performing. It felt soooooooooooo wonderful to be up in front of people doing what I love best. Plus, I like… socialised a bit and met some interesting people! Which is a big step for me. AND I have a spin-off performance in the books with some of the women from the class, so already things are looking up!
Additionally, I mysteriously got some backpay for holiday leave I didn’t take last year (I think they made a mistake shhhhhhh), so I was able to sign up for another class! Sadly, it’s not Shakespeare, but it’ll be good for me to go outside my comfort zone and deal with some contemporary texts. So that starts up again at the end of this month.
I hope you’ve been enjoying/not hating the monologue Weekes Webisodes. Like all things I try to do to serve the internet, interest has tapered off rapidly to basically nothing. But! That’s okay. I enjoy them, so I will keep filming when I can.
Working the ‘day job’ 4 days a week instead of 5 has made a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge mental health difference. I no longer feel that irrepressible desperation and depression on a Sunday night, knowing that 5 barren days of hell stretch out before you before you can be you again. That said, the financial burden has definitely increased. Well, or I’m just feeling like there are so many things I need to pay for to make something happen and I can’t. Pay for them. Or make them happen. But this isn’t really due to working ‘less’–it’s more that starting up a new venture in general requires some cash.
Ugh, I never thought I’d say I miss waitressing in the U.S. but… I do miss being able to save some money and buy things I need! This is definitely slowing my progress down somewhat. Waiting to take new headshots…waiting to join the casting website…can’t audition or really network online before these things are in the bag! Still, confidence and meeting some other London-based actors is more important at this stage.
Health-wise, I need to ramp it up again January 2017 style. I’m sorta an all or nothing kind of gal. Like, when I decided to become a vegetarian 8 years ago, I completely gave up all meat cold turkey (eerrrrr cold tofu??) instead of gradually letting go of bits and pieces. I need to do this with wine for a few weeks because I am soooooo bad at being like, ‘Ohhhh I’ll just have a lil bit!’ No. No, Weekes. You will obviously have a lotta bit. So you are not allowed any bit because you are incapable of moderation!!! Although I’ve been good about not drinking during the work-week so far in 2018 (barring holidazzzzzze), it’s still not good enough for what I want to achieve. Plus, I’ve been compensating by lazily alternating between pizza with burger sauce and mac & cheese every damn day. Pull yourself together and make a salad, woman!!!!! And plus x2, I also have not been to the gym for a run in like….. 2 months. This is mostly due to first a pulled muscle in my calf that I kept re-pulling in class…. and then one of my perpetual colds flaring up as soon as it caught wind that my muscle might have healed and be capable of exercise again.
Then there’s music… which has been on the back-burner to give people (me) a little break. I just felt so disheartened after I put the album out there that I couldn’t really bring myself to keep attempting to ‘promote’ it after the fact. But I have been working on a new song in fits and starts that I’ll maybe share soon. And I’ve been sharing monthly updates with the good folks that are subjected to the Weekes mailing list. The other night, I passed a pub on my street that was advertising for an open mic night, but I’m not sure I have the courage to enquire about that…
As usual, there are kind of too many options pulling focus from each other. Even as I type these words, I’m thinking…. can I really resist having a glass (10) of wine tonight that would enable me to put off all of the options? I dunno. An enormous part of me just wants to move in to Grey Gardens with Little Edie and the cats and knit useless hats for myself and reminisce about how I could have been a star.
But no…… no….. I shall resist Bellatrix Ledepression’s threatening grip.
And do what Hermione would do….. keep fighting the good fight!
Ugh Hermione Granger is such an adorable badass, and pulling probably-copyrighted-images of her off of Google has lifted my spirits immeasurably. I think that, overall, things seem to be improving and sort of moving towards something good. Managing to do at least one creative thing per day (even if it’s not working towards an ultimate goal) is an achievement that I should acknowledge. I believe I will feel more organised again as soon as the next course starts up and I get in a flow. I’m feeling tentatively optimistic. Sorta maybe.
How about y’all? How are your years going so far? Any clever methods for fighting off your Bellatrix demons and staying motivated? I feel like I’ve worked some things out just now, talking about them here and subjecting you to my diary. Thank you for listening.