Skip to content

Being Human

As the new year dawns alone with my thoughts in a friend’s West Village apartment, I really feel that I need to write about where I’ve been and where I’m going.

But I also really don’t want to.

I’ve been meaning to write a gratitude post thanking all the wonderful people who have helped me through this transition–a transition that feels utterly endless and during which I haven’t always felt like I’m improving. Due to that endlessness, my ability to write and thank and reach out has remained feeble and lousy. I apologise, and I hope to be able to properly express my thanks soon.

I’ve been seeing a lot of “2009 vs 2019” posts recently. Great. I’m not sure that these ten years won’t go down as the worst period in my life. There were good things along the way, I am sure, but right now when I look back over that time, I only see toxic grief and mistakes.

Oddly, this 2009-2019 decade precisely marks the beginning and ending of my involvement with my husband. The beginning was as traumatic as the ending: discarded after a summer in London, I returned to New York at 26 brokenhearted and devastated. Unfortunately, I allowed that to seep into my being and ultimately define the tenor of the following ten years. I stopped loving myself. I cut off my hair, I stopped auditioning, I dated a lot of men, I (stupidly) eventually left New York, and I got back into a relationship that filled me with deep self doubt and resentment.

LES Pint
2009

Now, ten years later, I’ve cut off all my hair, I’ve had to stop auditioning, I’ve been dating a lot of men. But I’ve also moved back to New York. And I have tried to not stop loving myself because it was only just this year that I had begun to get myself back.

Hoodie
2019

Perhaps being devastated and vulnerable is exactly what it means to be human. It’s clear no matter how hard I push, I’m going to have to live with devastation and vulnerability. Maybe, however, I don’t have to let it define me and hold me back this time.

I don’t want to be defined by devastation anymore.

I’m sick of the last ten years; I don’t want to think about them anymore.

I’m also sick of thinking about this coming year whilst gritting my teeth and playing Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” on repeat in my head. I am tired of acting tough.

I am also kind of tired of being alone. I feel ready to be outspokenly loved, cherished, protected, laughed at, seen and respected.

Making resolutions this year, like everything else right now, would be endless and overwhelming. I don’t want to do it.

So, I won’t.

Instead, I’m just going to try and allow myself to be human, to be me, and to wait and see what happens.

Peace and love to y’all in the New Year, as shitty or as excellent as it may be.

xWeekes

 

4 thoughts on “Being Human Leave a comment

  1. What a poignant, heart-rending post, Ali. I admire how brave you are to share your heartache with others.

    As Oprah Winfrey once said, “Being human means you will make mistakes. And you will make mistakes, because failure is God’s way of moving you in another direction.”

    My wish for your this new year is that you forgive what was and embrace what may be. May you have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Like

  2. Please keep writing… and tossing the occasional Cheeto across an airshaft. I have a strong feeling that this year is going to be an incredible adventure filled with many happy beginnings.

    Keep writing.

    Did I say that already?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Trust me, all the “rah rah” of most of those 2009 vs 2019 is probably hiding a shit ton of angst (I won’t go into the misery, self-hatred, doubt, etc. behind my past ten years).

    I have a feeling that, now that you’ve had World’s Shittiest Decade, you’ll have learned some tough lessons that will prepare you for a great decade to come. Oh, and I really like your hair chopped off :))

    Like

  4. Am I too late to invite myself to your New Year’s party? Probably, at this point… I’ve been a flaky blogger these past few months! But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish you only good things for the coming decade. So take down your hoodie hood, shake out your awesome short locks, and find your happy place at last. You’ve earned it!

    Like

Leave a Reply to KTCCancel Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: