A Streetcar Named…Blind Hope?

Happy Friday, dearest ones!

I thought that the 6 month point might be a good time to go back and reassess those pesky New Year’s Resolutions I made so long ago in January.

Just kidding, this is a TERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIBLE time as clearly I have been teetering on the cusp of insanity for the past couple of months (B might argue that it has been longer than that–like say, 33 years longer, but whatever, lies), and I have not really had the luxury of basking in any absurdly middle class life-bettering tactics. Of course, that’s not entirely true–I have just been more apt to drink wine and further boost my expertise in the art of television. You know, when I’m not working my full-time job in Poowich. Or performing my other fun full-time job as Desperate and Pathetic Job-Applier.

My bullet journaling of late has mostly consisted of little daily drawings of a teacup telling me to ‘Be Calm’ or a bunch of flowers gathered with a ribbon inscribed with the words ‘Calm Down’ or a bottle of wine with a label that says ‘Calmness’. I then sit in the morning before my commute and colour in these drawings with a kind of crazed desperation like Blanche DuBois.

If I’m honest, the job search has actually made me kind of fluctuate in character between Blanche and Stanley (two real winners of sanity and stability).

Lately I’ve become Stanley when I hold the door open for someone in the office and they just waltz straight through without saying thank you/acknowledging my presence. This happens AT LEAST once a day, and I’ve started shouting, ‘YOU’RE WELCOME!!!!!!!!’ at their backs. Of course, Stanley would probably say something more like, ‘Ohhhhh don’t mind me! Go right ahead your highness! Wouldn’t want to thank a filthy Pollack!’ And then he’d chase them down and engage in a physical altercation. But the sentiment is the same.

Speaking of violence, I’m also having these fleeting fantasies that I hope are normal? Like, if I’m walking towards the miserable work microwaves to heat up my sad lunch I’ve brought from home and someone slips in line in front of me, I might have this flash where I envision hitting them in the face with my tortellini-filled tupperware. These are normal things to want to do, right?

But a boy in High School once described me as a Fatalist Idealist, and I think he was pretty much right. The side of me that isn’t Stanley-ing all over the place is bizarrely hopeful and idealistic. Some might call that hope ‘delusion’, but whatever it is, it’s there. Like, despite months of rejection, every time I read a new job description I still immediately start imagining myself in the role–whirling to and fro, a master of my domain, indispensable employee stylishly dressed! And in my head, I’m like I could do this! This is me! It will be fine! This is the one! And then I consult my Citymapper app and I’m like Ooooohhh I could totally deal with this commute! Ooooooh I could really leave at 9am and be there in time! This would be totally doable! 

Really, me? Aren’t we getting a bit ahead of ourselves? We’ve been invited to one interview so far. And it was ridiculous. A more productive and realistic fantasy might involve deciding which of the nearby McDonald’s would be the best new work location. I could walk to the one in Balham, so that would be convenient, but the one in Brixton has recently had a hip ‘urban’ makeover, so that might be cool.

(I made the HORRIBLE mistake of googling ‘gross McDonald’s’ for an image to go here and now my vegetarian eyes are traumatised and I just can’t, I can’t, I’m scared to google anything ever again, I’m sorry, no picture for you. AND I WOULDN’T RECOMMEND EATING THERE.) 

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

But I’m afraid my current job hunt obsession has made me frightfully boring for you all lately, so I do apologise.

In the spirit of hope, I’m now going to list some positive considerations that have nothing to do with the boring future of my employment:

Something surprising happened last night politically that didn’t involve the exultation of a cartoon villain-esque figure!

My Cousin Rachel comes out in the cinema today! It’s a period drama! With Rachel Weisz! And whoever that sexy man is! Based on the Daphne Du Maurier novel! What could go wrong!

Jane and Edward are cute! Look at them! I love them! And they love me unconditionally! Even when I am rejected by the rest of the world! Or accidentally step on them!

Poldark is back this Sunday! And he’s bringing along his abs! And huge hair! And terrible personality!

The new Fleet Foxes album came out yesterday! And, of course, it’s excellent from what I have heard so far! (click on pic to learn more)

Speaking of new music, I am writing a synth-pop album! I have about eight songs so far! But they need a lot of work! And I’ve had trouble finding time to work lately!

But at any rate, I’ve started designing a new website where the album will be downloadable in the future (sadly, WordPress doesn’t offer music platforms)–would you like to take a quick look, please? And tell me what you think? I can’t afford to buy the domain just yet, so it’s still in the very early stages of looking professional. (Again, click on the pic below to link to the new site!)

Okay, that’s all for now (and quite enough, really). I wish you all a merry weekend and hearts that are filled with blind hope.

xWG // #dazeandweekes

P.S. Happy Birthday today to my dear friend, Julian. Do you like the pen name I just made up for you?!